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- i've seen 'em, and i like 'em too. - yeah, they're good. - i'll keep the drawings, okay. - if i didn't know any better, i'd say there's a lot of love in this room. - look--look, jack, we just want to get back to where we were. that's what-- - it sounds like what you guys want is an annulment. it would essentially void your partnership. - yeah, right, that sounds-- - marriage blows. - preaching to the choir, fellas. [chuckles] all right. i just need both your signatures on here. - all right. that's easy enough. - easy peasy. one... two. we did it! that's it. your union has hereby been dissolved. - why did we have to do all the touching and the hand-holding if it was just-- - come on. it was fun. - oh. - hey, mac. you mind snapping a photo for the website? but keep my hands out of the shot. i'll put 'em down here. - you guys. you guys, i need help. i don't know what to do. i just kidnapped bill ponderosa's kids. - all right. are the kids confined in any way? maybe in a crawl space or backyard bunker?
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- no, they're out in the car. - have you touched them yet? - absolutely not. what-- who is this man? - don't--he-- you're--you don't need to-- - what is she, some cheap drag-down knockoff of me, huh? - oh, no. - bill, oh, my god, you are such an asshole. i followed you, okay? - angel-- - i knew you were seeing someone else. - honey, no, that's-- - hi. hi, there. i'm dee. i understand that. listen, i want to just say i'm really sorry about the kids. i tell you what. i did not mean to kidnap them. that was all-- that was all this guy. - they're not my kids. - aren't you his wife? - no. i'm his mistress. - what the hell, man? - i'm taking my car back. - nuh-uh. that's my car. - actually, i loaned it to both of you, ladies, so-- - bill, you son of a bitch, i'm gonna kill you! - what-- how many mistresses do you have? - mistress? i'm his wife. kids, let's go. - yeah, come on, kids. let's go home. - no, no, no, no, no. not you, bill. now, i want this to be over with right now. so how much does he owe you? - what? - how much does he owe you, whore? how much does he owe you for the sex?
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- oh, no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no. i'm not a prostitute. i think that's clear, you know. - oh, well, congratulations. you're the only woman he didn't have to pay to sleep with. you must be very proud of yourself. [tires squealing] - wait! no, no! oh, god damn it. [tires squealing] - yeah. well. the, uh, gravity of my situation just set in, so... - let's go get you a divorce, huh? - yeah, yeah, yeah. - yup. - you guys have any questions? - yeah, i got a question. what's in the fanny pack? - oh, check this out, mac and dennis. just a little victory dance. thought maybe we could hang out later. - n--um... - oh, mr. reynolds. - oh, uh, i'm sorry. what are you doing here? - well, when i heard you were getting divorced,
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i felt compelled to involve myself. - i'm sorry. how would you have heard that i was getting a divorce? - i may have told him. - you know, i so enjoyed listening to you drunkenly explain all that at 3:00 a.m. i enjoyed it so much that i tracked down maureen here, and i offered her my services-- pro bono, of course. - hold on, fellas. i'm jack kelly. i'm a lawyer. - hello, jack kelly. the pleasure is all mine. - it's a pleasure to meet you. - pleasure's still-- why don't we just get started? - why don't we just get started? - [sighs] boy, the old place. huh? - yeah, yeah, yeah. - some good memories. here. all of us. so, yeah. - [sighs] - hey, um, so i was like--
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- i'm gonna go. - no, no, no. no, stick around, dude. you should stick around. - please don't go. - i don't want to, though. - no, you should stay. - i use shea butter or these assorted lanolin products. - i'm serious. you could be a hand model. you've got the goods. - well, that was quick, guys. - open-and-shut case, dennis. - okay. - did you get the apartment back? - i sure did. - you did? you did? - oh! - hey. - and you also acquired miss ponderosa's debt. - oh! - what? you're in debt? - not anymore. but you are. about 90k. - this guys seems to think you don't have a case, and i'm inclined to agree with him. - yeah, well, when i found out that miss ponderosa here had been cast out of her marital home, i only thought it was fair that you assumed her debt in addition to the alimony payments, of course. - wait a second. so i got to pay alimony payments? uncle jack, what the hell? - i froze up. he's great. - congratulations, ms. ponderosa. - congratulations to you. see you around, dennis. - yeah. - mac.
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- hey, mac, would you mind taking a shot of the three of us for the website? come on, dennis. and would it be okay if you put your hands on top of mine? - sure, yeah. like that? - yes. - okay. - that looks like my hands. - yeah. - for the website! we're lawyers! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [applause] >> jon: hey, everybody. welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a very special show, very special guest tonight. medal of honor recipient sergeant first class leroy petry will be joining us on the program tonight. we're honored. we begin tonight, of course,
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with the looming crisis. as you know, on august 2nd, if america fails to raise the debt ceiling, we default on our debt. people lose the capacity to love. [laughter] and animals lose the capacity to lick their own genitals. that's right. if we don't raise the debt ceiling on august 2nd, man will be sentenced to an eternity of licking our own pet's genital, because what would we really do? let them dry out? of course not. [laughter] so hopefully our president, barack obama, can in one swift rooseveltian "we have nothing to fear but fear itself" moment ease the american psychoi can. >> can you tell the folks at home that no matter what happens the social security checks will go out on august 3rd. >> i cannot guarantee that those checks go out on august 3rd if we haven't resolved this issue because there may simply not be the money in the coffers to do it.
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>> jon: [bleeped]. [laughter] we need our check! you know what, no, no, it's fine. it's just ole people. you know how they are. they're probably going to just blow that money on medicine and hips. of course, our political leaders smart, dedicated professionals. they've been in non-stop meetings trying to prevent this from happening. how are those meetings going. >> the debt talks blow up. >> an angry president obama walked out. >> temperatures began rising after house majority leader eric cantor suggested the sides were too far apart to get to a deal. that's when the president got very agitated. he said, "don't call my bluff, eric." >> the president continued, "i have shown enormous willingness to compromise." >> mr. obama then left saying, "i will see you tomorrow." >> jon: oh, [bleeped]. oh, no, he didn't. the president stormed out and was like, okay, tomorrow then. [laughter] what? that's not storming out. that's ending a meeting by
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scheduling next meeting. and i got to say, if that's obama mad, that's weak. he's still so in control. you get the sense if he were the hulk, when he fell his anger causing the transformation, he would just excuse himself to change into a bigger suit, as to not needlessly shred a perfectly good outfit. but there was one sentence in that news report that really caught my ear. can we hear that sentence again? >> he said, "don't call my bluff, eric." >> jon: couple of things. one, "don't call my bluff" kind of implies a game. the imminent possible economic collapse of our country is a chip the president will play or not play given the relative strength of his hand. and second, i think when you're playing that hand, you're not supposed to tell the other guy it's a bluff. [laughter] and thirdly, boy the name eric really takes the urgency and steam out of an argument, doesn't it? don't call my bluff, eric.
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really. it's name only rivaled by craig and susan. i will destroy you, craig. [laughter] you can't handle the truth, susan. [laughter] you know, the president isn't alone in escalating the rhetoric in this fight. congresswoman michele bachmann had some harsh words of her own. >> the president doesn't want to have to be confronted with priorities in spending because he has a lot of choots-pah. [laughter] >> jon: you know, i got a feeling saying the word "choots-pah" is going to hurt more grandmothers than obama cutting off their social security. i think both parties have already lost florida.
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"choots-pah." sounds like she's talking out of her chootchas. here's senate majority leader mitch mcconnell laying out his plan for the debt crisis. >> i would advocate that we passes legislation giving the president the authority to request of us an increase in the debt ceiling that would take us past the end of his term. >> jon: [whispering]: heap threat cal. >> that would be subject to a resolution of disapproval. that resolution of disapproval if passed would then go to the president. he could sign it or he could veto it. >> jon: wait. what? see what mcconnell did? he cleverly split the senate's responsibility in two, advocating the unpopular doing it part to the president. why would you do that? if raising the debt limit is the responsible choice, why are you
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allowing the president to do it while wiping off any of your finger and footprints? >> the reason default is no better idea today than when newt gingrich tried it in 1995 is it destroys your brand and would give the president an opportunity to blame republicans for bad economy. look, he owns the economy. he's been in office almost three years now, and we refuse to let him entice us in to coownship of a bad economy. >> jon: we can hear you. [laughter] the country defalling would hurt the republican brand. it's like when the pinto people were upset the exploding gas cans were singeing the horse ma danal. i find mcconnell's honest dishonesty refreshing. he's laying out the cynical strategic subtext that we're not supposed to be hearing about. he's like that guy on fox who ruined magic for everyone in the country five years ago. here's what it is, kid.
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i drug five rabbits and i stuff them in my pantds. don't cry, timmy. you need to hear this. so the outside observer, our leaders' inability to compromise on even the smallest things seems inexplicable, but watch as senator mitch mcconnell explains washington magic to the muggles. >> you said, "the single most important thing we want to achieve is for president obama to be a one-term president." >> well, that is true. that's my single most important political goal. >> jon: wow. i cannot believe he would say that on television. he has got a lot of, what is that called, what is that... >> >> jon: welcome back.
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so last friday the final launch of the space shuttle was last friday, a stirring event that created even more unemployment with swarms of jobless astronauts now flooding the job market. john oliver was at cape canaveral to witness the end of an era. >> america's space program was our crowning glory. it was a measure of who we were as a people, a time when we explored a new world, illuminated our breathtaking universe, and we did these things in the immortal words of john f. kendy... >> not because they are easy but because they are hard. >> all of this is now over. and where better for me to go than florida to watch something die. >> it's a little sad. this is really the end of an era. >> happy that i got to see it. sad that there's going to be
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none after this. >> too bad i won't be able to see it again. >> it will always be with us in a way. >> will it? >> no, not the shuttle. that will probably get melted down for scrap. i mean the memory of when america had hopes and dreams. what do you want to be when you grow up? don't say astronaut. [laughter] were you going to say astronaut? >> yeah. >> i could see that. america's space shuttle program was in its final countdown. and i couldn't wait to be a part of it. i'm here at cape ca knave ral for a seminole moment in history when america looks to its highest aspirations and said, eh, [bleeped] it. the space program had once been piloted by men who were international superstars, names like john glenn, neil armstrong, jim lovell. >> houston, we have a problem. >> apparently they even existed in real life, too. i sat down with apollo 13's jim lovell, a true american hero,
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who would never give up without a fight. this conversation wasn't going to be easy. >> i'm just going to stop that music. right. it's going to make this more difficult. so, jim, listen, it's over. >> i never say that. it is much easier if we just said, why don't we let someone else do it. i'll give you an example. india is looking at the advantages of space. >> so we're going to outsource our hopes and dreams to india. >> we might. but is that the modus operandi of the united states? no. the new generation should get the same experience that the old generation got. we orbited the moon for the very first time. we saw the earth as it really is, just a small blue and white
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body tucked away in the vastness of space. i could put up my thumb and completely hide everything that i've ever known. that photograph tells in just one picture really the existence that we have here on earth. >> wow. that's incredible. i've actually got an amazing photograph, as well. i got to show you. look, it's me and pee wee herman. [laughter] >> oh, yeah. >> isn't that incredible? do -- you think, i can't bereave where i am right now. as the shuttle prepared for its last launch and the crowd braced themselves for a final wave good-bye, this american icon left the earth, not with a bang, but with a whoa, wow, holy crap
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that is loud, wow. look at that thing. i've got to be honest with you, a week after this happened i'm still getting goose bumps. wow that. is the single most amazing thing i've ever witnessed. go, go, fly! we have to do that again. we have to do that again. when are we doing that again? what do you mean never? okay. so that was objectively incredible. but who is going to convince america that this is still worth doing? >> john, people have to have certain goals, certain things to strive for, things they can look up to and say, hey, it did that. to give up on that cream -- dream is to give up on america. >> yeah, i guess. do you know what, let me just try something a bit better.
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okay. so you go. >> all people need to have certain goals, something to strive for, and in doing so, we reached beyond ourselves to achieve that which we did not think was possible, to give up on that dream is to give up on america. >> it was better. >> i think it was pretty good. >> i know, do forrset gump. >> i don't take requests. >> jon: welcome back my guest
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tonight. he was awarded the medal of honor by president obama on tuesday. please welcome army sergeant first class leroy petry. [cheering and applause] thanks for coming. appreciate it. thank you for being here. >> thank you. >> jon: we're honored to have you on the program. before we get into the story of what happened that day in afghanistan, may i just say, that hand is super cool. how did you... when i shook your hand, it curled around my hand with a stronger grip than i have.
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>> it's designed to conform to different objects that actually stops when each finger meets resistance to give you more dexterity. when i actually lost it, i thought i was going to have a hook, and i was fine with that because i lost it the way i wanted to, but they gave me this hand, and i got... it's amazing and it's getting better. >> jon: do you have one that can... let's say you're in traffic... [laughter] there's a problem. >> i use the good hand. >> jon: all right. fair enough. the story of what happened in afghanistan, it's an incredible one. would you mind if we just went through it briefly. >> sure. >> jon: you were on day mission. >> yes, sir. >> jon: and it was a raid. is that unusual to be on a day raid like that? >> for us it is unusual.
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>> jon: you're an army ranger. >> yeah, we don't normally do daylight raids, but the necessity to get out there and get this high value target and the time of day, we had to act on it. >> jon: in the beginning of it, you are wounded early on in the fight? >> yes, shot through both thighs. i actually didn't realize it until i got to the medics later, but i thought i was just shot in the left leg. it had stuck in there or something. i didn't feel it go all the way through both legs. so i was running around doing things for a little bit. [laughter] i know that sounds odd. >> jon: i could stop you there. and be very proud of your service and all you did. so in this... now, you are really a veteran in this group. you have been to afghanistan. this was your sixth tour. and you had two tours in iraq.
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>> actually, it was my fifth tour. i've been back since. >> jon: you've been back to afghanistan for another tour since you were wounded? >> yes. >> jon: you're luke skywalker. that's who you are. that's what this is. [cheering and applause] that's who you are. that's unbelievable. all right. so now you have been wounded in both legs. you've got... these are younger fellas. they're looking to you for leadership. are you still functioning in a capacity in that moment? >> yes. >> jon: how is that possible? is it training? is it just there's a certain something in you that wouldn't give up? >> it's training and it's the fact that we're all brothers out there, and you wouldn't... just like i wouldn't give up on one of my children, i wouldn't give up on my brothers. and that's this way i looked at it out there. and the way a bird takes care of
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it young one, feeds them until they can grow and hopes that they become good leaders. >> jon: right. >> it's just mentoring. and i was taking care of my own that day. >> jon: right. incredible. and in this moment, the enemy throws a grenade. >> yes. >> jon: and to give people a sense, do we have like a rendering of the compound that you're in that you're fighting. this is the courtyard. are you in the inner courtyard at this point, the outer courtyard by the chicken coop? >> the inner courtyard. we're on the... well, i can't tell which way that north arrow is pointing. >> jon: we purposely made that to confuse the entire issue. i think it's pointing towards florida, but i'm not sure why. so the enemy, when they're able to send a grenade your way, you're in lobbing distance of the enemy. and these guys are not professional baseball players. you're like 20 feet, 30 feet away from these guys.
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>> the ceiling of the building was only about eight feet high. so it was easy for them to throw it over i guess. >> jon: so a grenade lands, and i've always said there are two kinds of people in this world, people that when a grenade lands, they go "grenade "grenade"! and people who keep their wits about them. in that moment, what's going through your mind? >> there was a split second. i turned over, looked, i saw it and i knew it wasn't one of ours because it was the old pineapple grenade. first thing that went through my mind is get it out of here, get i away from my guys and me. that's what i did. i reached for it and started to throw it and as soon as i opened the hand, that was the last thing that happened before the hand disappeared. >> jon: do you at that point pass out? is that... >> no, no. they ask you a lot of times if you had a concussion, and i said, how do you know if

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The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Comedy Central July 15, 2011 2:00am-2:30am PDT

Sgt. 1st Class Leroy Petry News/Business. Leroy Petry. (2011) Medal of Honor recipient Sergeant 1st Class Leroy Petry. (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY Dennis 4, Afghanistan 4, Mac 4, Obama 3, Eric 3, Jack 2, Mitch Mcconnell 2, Jack Kelly 2, Jim Lovell 2, Jon Stewart 2, Craig 2, India 2, Mcconnell 2, Cal 1, Dude 1, Timmy 1, Bill 1, Ms. Ponderosa 1, Luke Skywalker 1, Mentoring 1
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